Blessings.

If you have never sat back and pondered fate, or the way things work themselves out; you should. I find it quite amazing how one moment you may be thinking the world is over, and the next you may feel like the happiest person alive. In life, we all have our own roads to travel down, our own decisions to make, and most importantly our own lessons to learn. Sometimes i will get caught up in a complete mess, only to find it wasn't a mess at all. I used to find it extremely annoying when people would tell me "it only makes you stronger", but now i realized they were right the entire time. Think about it. If you wouldn't have went through the things you have went through in your life, would you be able to handle the new challenges it throws at you? Would you have the same morals? The same standards? Would you be associating yourself with the same people? Every bad relationship, family tragedy broken heart, all of it has gotten you this far. Every one of dad and mom's lectures, every one of your disappointments, excitements, and just plain ol' Mondays has effected your life in a way. Sometimes people will argue and say "there was no point in that!" and "all that caused was pain!" but guarantee if it was to happen again they would be thankful they had the experience from the first time under their belt.

Relating this to my own personal life is not a difficult task at all. I've been through countless things that i have learned a great deal from and it has most defiantly allowed me to be able to type this post. I've had bad...and i mean BAD relationships, family troubles, school issues and all of the above. There came a time in my freshman year in high school where i let things happen that i shouldn't have. Boys came between childhood friends, i wasn't loyal to anyone, and was only considering myself at every point. I broke peoples hearts, hurt peoples feelings, and disrespected myself like you wouldn't believe. After losing everyone in my life due strictly to my own actions, i began to realize what kind of experience this was. This was not high school drama or unfair at all, this was exactly what i had asked for and it was time that i learned from my mistake.
Changing into a better person i found God and learned the importance of some very critical words. Honesty, loyalty, trust, kindness, forgiveness, friendships, and love. These are the seven things that i now base my life on. The change in myself began to show through to my peers, and even myself. No longer did my friends feel like they couldn't trust or confide in me, but now I'm the one they look up to. If i would never have had all the bad relationships, my heart and mind would not have the strength to find someone that is good enough for me, instead i would settle. Thanks to all the heartbreaks, i have found someone 100% perfect for me. Thanks to all the hurt feelings, i have tons of strong and amazing friendships.

Always remember to count your blessings, and look at tough experiences as ones that are only going to make you stronger.

Out With the Old in With the New.

There comes times in your life when you find yourself changing your own morals and standards. What you may believe in one day, may not be what you believe in the next. Your tolerance level may drop or rise, and there may be things in your life that no longer fit. When this happens i think it is important to just accept that fact and move on from it. The lingering of the past may be your next roadblock on your way to the future.

Growing up, I've been through a lot of changes. Changing homes, schools, friends, morals, everything you could guess. I, myself, have to admit that i have not always been one to let go of the past so easily. I had it in my mind that somehow i could go back and change it, somehow i could make things right, but in all reality i only proved myself wrong time and time again.

One thing i consider this to be a big issue in is relationships and friendships. We have it in our head that if something is wrong with a person, we can change them, that we can make it right. Whether it is a drug-addicted friend, cheating-addicted boyfriend, or even a gambling-addicted parent the game all remains the same. Each one of them have a weakness; drugs, girls, and gambling. You can spend time and energy trying to change a game that will always be being played, or you can tell them honestly what you think and let them make the choice. Most of the time they are going to make their own decision no matter what you say anyways, so in all honesty what are you suppose to do? When you care about someone, you don't want to stand by and watch them go down the wrong path, but if it is the path they have already chosen, i don't feel that it is my place to pull them off. Now i have had the drug-addicted friend, and the cheating-addicted boyfriend, and i gave my best efforts to fix them. I was everything i should be to them and still it couldn't neutralize the craving for the addiction they were suffering with. That fact alone brought me to a place where i was being brought down by the negativity they brought to the table. MY grades were crashing, MY happiness was lost, and most importantly i didn't feel like i had MY own life anymore. My whole life was being spent dedicated to trying to pull them out of their addictions and bring them to other things. Whether it was God, sports, studies, or just all around trying to get them to enjoy life, nothing seemed to compare to their addiction.

So i sat back on my own and thought about it. This problem, was bigger then me. Call me a bad friend but i pulled myself from this situation. I could not lecture them long enough, show enough affection, or spend enough time to make these people believe they were worth more then that.

I dumped the cheating-addicted boyfriend, and stopped being so close with the drug-addicted friend. I started to focus on myself, my schooling, and the other people around me. I'm glad to say it has paid off. With my dreams of Law school i have no room for error, and your dreams don't either. You will never be able to give back to the ones who effect you in a positive way, if you spend all your energy trying to fix the ones who are effecting you in a negative way.

Forgiveness.

As humans with different outlooks on things and different levels if tolerance, some find it harder than others to forgive. The question I have been stuck on the last few days, is one i have not yet found the answer to. Is there a limit to what we can forgive? Is there a boundary that, if crossed, deletes any spot for forgiveness for a certain individual?

I have always forgave people fairly easy. I am fully aware that people mess up, lash out, and say things they don't mean at all and sometimes you cannot hold that against them. I'm a firm believer in second chances, providing opportunities to change, and yes, forgiveness but recently i have found myself in a situation i'm not being so nice about.

As i sit back and look at the people that surround me in my life, i found the people worth keeping and the people that have to go. Negativity is not something i want laced throughout my life at this point in time because i'm on a tight road that has no room for it. I took my time to evaluate the ones i felt were worth it, and the ones i felt were not. 99.9% of the people currently in my life are amazing, and more then worth my time, but there is still that 0.1% that are not. Thats where the forgiveness part comes in. Do i forgive these people and ignore the negativity they bring, hoping they will change? Or do i weed them out and continue without them? I couldn't figure out why this decision was so hard, but then it occurred to me that this small percentage of people have something in common- how bad they have hurt me. Each one of these people have done something to me that has molded me into a different person, and i thank them for that but they had to put me through some extreme life tests to do that. Each one of them has hurt me emotionally to a point where forgiveness isn't an option anymore, because they have done things that i will never be able to get out of my mind.


I like to consider myself a nice person, and my friends would agree. Always sticking up for the underdog, being there when needed, anything they would ask but my heart cannot come to terms with the emotional scars these people have left.


So i decided this. These people who are effecting me negatively have no place in my heart, because the people i love deserve that space. Yes, i will respect you, as well as you will me but you being in my life is not an option. No, you will never hear me talk about you, as well as anyone else, and i would hope you would never talk about me. Remember that if you need anything, you can always ask. Even if we aren't in each others lives, your still a friend and friends are always suppose to be there for each other. I will wish you the best in your future adventures, and hope that God changes your negativity into a forceful power of positivity. If one day you wake-up and decide you don't want to live that way anymore, there is always another option if you got another day.

Categories of Men.

At this stage in my life i am finding out who i am gonna be in life, where i'm going, and searching for who i am going to conquer the world with. I've dated all kinds of men (some who act like little boys) and still have not found two alike. Every single one of them has something about them that hooks me, and something about them i find relationship breaking months down the road. Men ponder why women are so "complicated" and "moody" but with my experience men show the same qualities they find so annoying.

I have thought about the kinds of men i date, and i have narrowed it down to three categories: Mr. Too Much, Mr. Do It, and Mr. No Go.

Mr. Too much is a kind of guy I've spent a lot of time around. This is the kind of man that loves you unconditionally but is whipped to the fullest. My personality is overpowering, loud, and controlling. Sometimes..actually most of the time, i can act out of hand and blow things way out of proportion..but this man will just give in to your every word. No matter what you do you are always right, he was always wrong and he will spend hours on end trying to apologize for a crime you committed. If you were to get into a fight with this kind of man, he will spend the next three days following the fight, trying to compensate with flowers and mushy text messages. The problem i have with this man is the fact he lets me get out of control. I believe in standing up for what you believe in and giving into my word most definitely is not staying true to that saying. I need someone to tell me when i'm being an ass, and someone that can handle when i think hes being a jerk. This man may leave you feeling like a babysitter at times, so beware.

Mr. Do It is the kind of guy that can care less what you do, who you do it with, or how you are getting it done. Road Trip? Doesn't even ask where your driving to. Accomplishment? Doesn't care what it is. Hanging out with people he doesn't like you around? Ignores you until you apologize. Jumping off the Empire State Building? Waits at the bottom to watch you fall. The problem with this man is obvious. He is capable of standing up for what he believes in, he just doesnt want to do it. This kind of man could care less whether you love or hate him. As a girl, and the insecurity the 2000's have brought us sometimes i look for a little compensation. Sometimes i will act like i dont care about something just to hear you say you want me to care. But this man wont do that. Whatever you want, do it. This man is good to you in a relationship, but will not..WILL NOT chase you. This man may leave you feeling insecure at times, so beware.

Mr. No Go is the overprotective, controlling one. No hanging out with friends, no staying late at work, no texting other boys...the list goes on and on. This kind of boy will stop you from being stupid, and tell you when your being an ass, but then be all love and kisses when its just you two. This man is insecure in himself and is scared of losing you. He feels the need to smother you and hold you close all the time because he doesn't want to let you slip away. The problem with this man is he pushes you away more and more with every text read and every thought invaded. This man may leave you feeling smothered at times, so beware.

So where is my Mr. Perfect? He is the perfect mix of all these three categories. I'm looking for Mr. I love you too much, If it makes you happy do it, and if it hurts you its a no go.

Loyalty.

As i sat there in the hospital at 12AM yesterday, i began pondering the subject of loyalty. Now with my best friend Becky in the ER, for breaking out in extreme hives my night was filled with Doctors, coughing children, and hypochondriacs. Each one of them was loyal to something. Doctors..well for starters their schooling and now late night shifts in the ER. Coughing children..well they most definitely are loyal to playtime and the fish stickers that cover these walls. Hypochondriacs..well they are loyal to trying to convince these Doctors they have every condition in the world, but as i sat there i realized the loyalty between Becky and I.
Becky and I have been good friends for quite some time now and have found ourselves in some funny situations. Sleeping in freezing cars, driving 30 miles for wendy's, the classes we have together, and just all around being there for each-other when needed have all molded us into the friendship and people we currently are. Now last night on the outside may have just looked like a trip to the ER, but when broken down it was so much more then that.

I had been waiting for a call from a modeling agency for weeks now, and yesterday it finally came. The excitement and anxiety i felt was overwhelming and i couldnt wait to go to my parents house to spread the good news. When i got there, my parents were anything but thrilled and rambled on for an hour about how i should keep investing myself in Law school and not get sidetracked by taking pictures. They dont understand that it is what i enjoy doing as a HOBBY, im not trying to make a career out of it in any way. After a whole hour of degrading, i was finally to my breaking points. Yelling, fighting, crying, all back and forth. the fact that they dont support me in literally anything i do has me to a point of disgust and resent. Then Becky calls.

Becky has bad allergic reactions to an unknown substance at this point and tonight was especially bad. Hives on every inch of her body, throat closing, eyes swollen shut, and she needed to go to the hospital. With tears and too much mascara running down my face i immediately jump in my car and get to her house as fast i can. It didn't matter to me that i looked like a train wreck or was in the middle of a fight with my family, she needed me.

When Beck gets in the car, she realizes that im upset instantly. She does her best to comfort me and talk me through my situation and it worked. Redbull is one of my addictions, although a bad one and Becky knew what she could do to relieve some stress. She asks me to pull over at the little store on the highway and when i do, her door flings open and she marches right into the store, hives and all. When she comes out with two redbulls and a funny impression of the store tellers face i instantly feel a lift off my shoulders.

So as i sat there in the hospital room i felt the blessings in my life. Although i had family issues, i was there for her and although she was medically ill, she was there for me. Giving and taking in friendships build some amazing things with the people you chose to share with. We may not have the strength to get through everything that challenges us in life, but true friends are always willing to let you borrow some strength they may not be using. Take the time to evaluate your real friends. Even if it is a gesture as simple as this, it will be nice to decipher your friendships. Afterall, you may have more people in your corner then you may have originally thought.

The Good in People.

A lot of times, as human beings we tend to point out all the wrong things in people before we look at the good. As i was sitting in class today, i over heard a conversation that inspired me. One girl starts a conversation with another and wastes ten minutes of her life picking apart the action of a third girl. It was at that moment i had realized how hostile the human heart is. Yes, it may be our sole purpose for love, but it is also the mother of a hatred that could move mountains. When do we stop picking apart a person and start helping them find the pieces to themselves? Instead of looking at your differing opinions with another person as negative, why don't we find it positive? Differences give us a chance to open our mind to new thoughts and ideas of another amazing mind. Now being the mind-my-own business kind of girl that i am, i continued doing my work and didn't say a word. Do these girls understand the severity of the words they are saying, or do they just not care? With personal experience, i know first hand that people can have things going on in their lives that we aren't aware about. Behind pretty smiles, and room filled with laughter can be an immense pain invisible to the human eye. A smile can brighten someones day instantly, and a frown can be the last straw for an individual, there is no telling. So remember next time your day is going horrible, and you feel like giving up that there is a better day coming your way and somewhere out there someone is going through the same thing as you are. Before you speak about another negatively, you have a chance to make a positive experience just by having an open mind.

Soul Searching.

So let's just jump right into this. The thing i feel like discussing the most at this particular point in time would be one thing most would consider bad..fighting. I believe that there are three main types of fighting- verbal, physical, and then there is what i consider the worst; emotional. In my point of view there is nothing worse then your minds sense fighting your hearts decisions and vis-versa. Verbal fights resolve when your adrenaline dissolves, physical fighting is healed by your body, but emotional fighting takes a tough decision to resolve the pain and confusion.

So this is where i find myself. I find myself swimming in a pool of question marks, dancing with a group of decisions, and contemplating my faith in my decision making skills. Growing up my mother always talked about how important it is to think things through before you do them but i have always found this task quite difficult. I was always the child that had the motto "Do it now, think about it later" and now in my young adult life...it has came back to haunt me. I understand that life is not easy and no matter what...it never will be, but sometimes i wish it was.

I cannot fully explain what an emotional battle feels like, but if you are human and you are reading this i guarantee you already have a thorough idea. You feel anxious, depressed, curious, and irritated all at the same time. Your mind is telling you to do one thing while your heart stands still on the other...which leads me to this question. Which do you listen to? Your mind can wonder in directions of the extreme but your heart can wonder in directions of idealism and blind perfection. Now if you haven't already figured out what this posts topic is based on i guess i could spare a hint...it's spelt l-o-v-e. Yep, thats right good 'ol fashioned love. Love is one of those things everyone wants, talks about, looks for, and yet complains about.

In my situation, the emotional battle that im going through is taking its toll on me. Call me pathetic but im up late, awake early, and going 150% all day on this subject of love.

My mind tells me to let go and take myself out of this situation that is emotionally and physically draining me. Of course my mind says that though. For starters it wants to be able to rest, and it wants to be gain knowledge instead of maintaining its current job- being my VCR. I rewind and replay certain moments in my head over and over again hoping to find a new lead or a new clue on what i am to do about my love. The problem seems to be..there is no hidden clues or leads in the reel of film i currently cannot stop replaying. When will i have enough strength to invest in a new movie? Or maybe i should be doing some investing in cable so i can chose what i want to play. If i don't like it, i change it..simple as that. I dont see that happening anytime soon though, seems like my mind is stuck on this old film roll afterall.

Then there is my heart...oh my good ol heart. My heart is screaming at the director of this replaying film "NOOO THATS NOT SUPPOSE TO HAPPEN! CUT THAT PART OUT! THIS IS ALL WRONG! FIX IT!" My heart wants me to take this film off, and start recording all over again, but how is it possible to cut out such a big, expensive production? You cant just erase it and start over again because it didnt go exactly how the writer or director had pictured it..but thats how my heart works. When a movie is being filmed and the script goes wrong, the director expects the actors to make the necessary changes to make it work, but who are the actors? Me? You? Love? And even if we are the actors, what if only one of them is willing to make the changes for a better film? Does the changing actor wait for the other one to see eye-to-eye with them? Or do they become the star of their own show? The tearing sensation on my heart is everything in this world but easy. My body is fighting itself right now and i have to make a decision to heal my heart and slow down my mind. So who do you listen to? Your mangaling mind? Or your hoping heart?