Soul Searching.

So let's just jump right into this. The thing i feel like discussing the most at this particular point in time would be one thing most would consider bad..fighting. I believe that there are three main types of fighting- verbal, physical, and then there is what i consider the worst; emotional. In my point of view there is nothing worse then your minds sense fighting your hearts decisions and vis-versa. Verbal fights resolve when your adrenaline dissolves, physical fighting is healed by your body, but emotional fighting takes a tough decision to resolve the pain and confusion.

So this is where i find myself. I find myself swimming in a pool of question marks, dancing with a group of decisions, and contemplating my faith in my decision making skills. Growing up my mother always talked about how important it is to think things through before you do them but i have always found this task quite difficult. I was always the child that had the motto "Do it now, think about it later" and now in my young adult life...it has came back to haunt me. I understand that life is not easy and no matter what...it never will be, but sometimes i wish it was.

I cannot fully explain what an emotional battle feels like, but if you are human and you are reading this i guarantee you already have a thorough idea. You feel anxious, depressed, curious, and irritated all at the same time. Your mind is telling you to do one thing while your heart stands still on the other...which leads me to this question. Which do you listen to? Your mind can wonder in directions of the extreme but your heart can wonder in directions of idealism and blind perfection. Now if you haven't already figured out what this posts topic is based on i guess i could spare a hint...it's spelt l-o-v-e. Yep, thats right good 'ol fashioned love. Love is one of those things everyone wants, talks about, looks for, and yet complains about.

In my situation, the emotional battle that im going through is taking its toll on me. Call me pathetic but im up late, awake early, and going 150% all day on this subject of love.

My mind tells me to let go and take myself out of this situation that is emotionally and physically draining me. Of course my mind says that though. For starters it wants to be able to rest, and it wants to be gain knowledge instead of maintaining its current job- being my VCR. I rewind and replay certain moments in my head over and over again hoping to find a new lead or a new clue on what i am to do about my love. The problem seems to be..there is no hidden clues or leads in the reel of film i currently cannot stop replaying. When will i have enough strength to invest in a new movie? Or maybe i should be doing some investing in cable so i can chose what i want to play. If i don't like it, i change it..simple as that. I dont see that happening anytime soon though, seems like my mind is stuck on this old film roll afterall.

Then there is my heart...oh my good ol heart. My heart is screaming at the director of this replaying film "NOOO THATS NOT SUPPOSE TO HAPPEN! CUT THAT PART OUT! THIS IS ALL WRONG! FIX IT!" My heart wants me to take this film off, and start recording all over again, but how is it possible to cut out such a big, expensive production? You cant just erase it and start over again because it didnt go exactly how the writer or director had pictured it..but thats how my heart works. When a movie is being filmed and the script goes wrong, the director expects the actors to make the necessary changes to make it work, but who are the actors? Me? You? Love? And even if we are the actors, what if only one of them is willing to make the changes for a better film? Does the changing actor wait for the other one to see eye-to-eye with them? Or do they become the star of their own show? The tearing sensation on my heart is everything in this world but easy. My body is fighting itself right now and i have to make a decision to heal my heart and slow down my mind. So who do you listen to? Your mangaling mind? Or your hoping heart?